Thursday, January 16, 2014

a very negative post

I've had this post as a draft for over a year! I've had mixed emotions on posting it or not. I'm to the point where I need to post it, to get it off my chest and to just let it all out. This post is very vain, negative, and I've prepared myself to lose some followers and for all the negative responses I'll get from this. I guess I just don't care because if I can't be real on my blog, where can I be? I'm so sorry if I offend anyone, it really is not my intentions. And I hope I'm not the only one that's ever felt this way!! So here goes!

It's no secret that I've loathed living in Texas! I've been here for six very long years and I haven't even begun to enjoy it! See? Negative! I haven't lived near a single family member since Dave and I got married. It's been extremely hard for me to make friends here, which is odd for me because it's always been so easy for me to make friends but here? Nope! Sure I've made friends but none of them have been "best friends" and the ones that I get closer with either move (that happens in the Military :() or they turn out not to be who I thought they were. To say I've been extremely lonely in Texas would be an understatement! Two years ago I got so depressed that I went to counseling for it! Anyways, that's one of the reasons why I started his blog. To vent, to open up even if no one was listening and it turns out? Some people were listening! I started collecting followers which I didn't know could happen on a blog and I started making some online friends.


Things were looking up until Dave and I went through our hard time. Almost every "good" friend I had here turned their back on me and it sent me spiraling downhill fast! So once again I turned to my blog friends to cheer me up and to help me through those times. I started meeting blog friends in real life and making new friends. I wasn't so depressed any more! But it's like the second I lacked on blogging I quit hearing from all those friends. I quickly came to the realization that I was putting way more into these friendships than I was getting in return. And it made me think that people just don't like me. Am I that bad of a person? Am I unfriendable? I started questioning myself as a person. I started being really hard on myself. Was I a bad friend or did I just have a lot of fake friends? I realized that people wanted to be my friend but didn't want anyone to know about it. And guess what? I became depressed again. I'm the type of person that needs friends to be happy. I've put on a brave and happy face these past six years even though friends was the one thing I didn't have. And I still don't. I've thought about deleting Facebook, Instagram and even this blog just so I wasn't constantly reminded of how many friends I didn't have. Sounds harsh but it's reality! I don't know how many times I've tried talking to my "friends" and never got a response. The toll it's taken on me is unreal!


I know this post is childish, pathetic, and it probably sounds like I'm just feeling sorry for myself but the truth is? I am! I'm human. A female human and I'm entitled to feel bad for myself every once in a while. I'm so lonely all the time. Dave works full time and goes to school full time. I can't remember the last time we had a weekend to ourselves. Our weekends are spent doing homework. I don't remember the last time I had an adult conversation. I'm constantly singing nursery rhymes and having baby talk! Which is fine because I adore my kids but I still need to be a 26 year old girl too. I need to have time to myself and I just don't get it. Ever!


I guess all I'm needing to vent about is I'm so tired of people wanting to be in the shadows of my life. To know whats going on in my life but not actually being a part of it! I'm tired of fake friends and fake people. I'm tired of being depressed about it and I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I don't complain too often on this blog but I needed to get this out. So consider my negativity to be over! And to those who are my real friends, I love you and you have no idea how much happiness you've given me!! :)
So for 2014 I'm focusing on being friendly. To make good friends and to be a good friend. To filter all the negative influences out of my life so I'm all around a happier me. I guess that's my New Years Resolution!


12 comments:

  1. I totally agree! I have been living alone for 5 months while my husband was gone to training. He is also in the military. And well I agree on the whole friend situation. I feel the same way all the time that my friends always turn their backs on me and they never fully understand. I hate it here in St. George due to the so called friends I have made along the way. It sucks and it does hurt your feelings I totally understand. Don't feel like you should loose followers, I will keep following you! :) I enjoyed this post because it is EXACTLY how I am feeling. Heck, it makes me want to go and do a post just like this one to let all my anger and frustrations out. So thank you!!

    xoxo, Shalyn

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  2. Denise,
    My KFC love sharing friend! I miss and think of you often. Thanks so much for emailing me about real estate questions it makes me feel like part of your life even though you're so far away. I miss you and always hope you'll come back to Utah! I have the same loneliness feeling for a while. I feel like friends often disappear once you're in a relationship. Which isn't right because we need our gal pals forever no matter what! To complain to, to share happy moments big or small with, to go out and sing karaoke ;) I promise I'm always here to talk to about anything! Not just real estate and Jamberry. Haha. So don't be a stranger love you lots

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  3. Girl, I love this! You are so good to open up on your blog and be so honest I love it! Keep your chin up girl.. I think you're great!

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  4. I literally could have written this entire post. I totally know what it's like to be lonely, even in a place you've lived forever. I wish we lived close to each other so we could hang out!

    On an unrelated note, you are a total babe. I can't believe you just had a baby! Sooo pretty.

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  5. Please tell me you guys will be moving soon? Someday?
    I wonder if part of what makes it so hard to make friends there is the mind set of being a military town and everyone moves in and out so noone puts forth effort? Anyway, I'm sorry!! You are a doll. And I'm the same way about NEEDING friends in my life. I spiral into depression each time we move until I make friends again.
    Internet friendships are hard. I feel like people only put forth effort when you put forth effort. So if life gets crazy with kids and such? They get too busy to keep up with us as well. :(

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  6. awwww girl....I hope it helps now that you've posted this and gotten it off your chest. I'm sure you feel sooo much better. You are beautiful. You have sooo much going for 'ya. I completely understand tho. There's times I get down in the dumps too. Before I met my husband....I was extremely depressed. It was awful. I'm totally with 'ya on the husband going to school full-time and working full-time. Brandon is doing the same exact thing. It's hard...I understand.Trust me. There's days where we just feel like we are spinning wheels....in the same place. We're both tired and exhausted. I'm sure that's how ya'll are too. I just wanted to tell you to keep your chin up. All the feelings are normal....and as far as the friends...well, they probably were't your friends to begin with. Keep God first most of all....and stay close to your family. Their only a phone call away. :)' If you ever just need to chat, shoot me an email. I'm always here to listen. lilbooboo7777@yahoo.com

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  7. I know I am guilty of this as life gets crazy sometimes & its hard. I told myself 2014 was about me & that includes making new friends/ reconnecting with old friends & such. I totally understand not having anyone around when times get hard or everyone walks out & I cant thank you enough for all the positive words you've given me. You truly blog from your heart & so many of us can connect, you truly write what the rest of us are feeling. Depression is serious & sadly sometimes we never truly figure out what triggers it and how to control it but once it hits, it hits hard. I really could of written this post for myself as my friends have walked out of my life ever since I got married. Hang in there sweet heart.. You are beautiful & deserve happiness. How is life since you are no longer doing hair?

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  8. I completely understand. I'm not very good at making friends. I still live in the town I grew up in (gag) but everyone I graduated with moved away, so it feels like I have no one here. I have a 14 month old and (almost) 4 month old. I feel like that's all I am - a mom. I love being a mom. I wouldn't give it up for anything, but like you said...sometimes you just want to be a 28 year old woman! It's rough...whether you're in a military town or your hometown where everyone else moved away. Hang in there. I hope it gets better for you!!

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  9. Hi Denise, I so know how you feel. My ex husband was in the military and I was away from home. It's so hard being isolated and once we split up in didn't here from anybody again. I'm kinda in a similar situation now. Although I moved back home and am now closer to my old friends, since I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and can't do a lot of what I used to, many of my friends have faded into the background. They don't call or visit and frequently don't answer my calls. Everyone needs to get things off their chest sometimes, it wouldn't be healthy not to. I'm sorry you've been feeling so low. I may be the other side of the Atlantic but if you ever want a chat I'm here :) xx

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  10. Oh man I understand what you mean...it is hard to make friends when you are older!! I have friends (not as many as my party days)...but my problem is that I don't have any with kids..so I feel alone in my "mom" world sometimes. But you know what they say...quality over quantity..sometimes we only need 1-2 good friends instead of many acquaintances..<3

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  11. It's really nice to know someone struggles with this too. I definitely do. I've thought about seeing a counselor but my husband seems to think it's all in my head and everything can be cured with a little brain power. Most of my days are spent behind a computer. I don't get out much and I moved to a new town where I have NO new friends. I have the same realization as you - i'm 23 years old and I don't feel like it.I don't feel like I'm doing what normal 23 year olds do. I feel like i'm in a cave and i probably speak 10 words a day. It's sad :( But i'm happy we have each other! I'm always here if you need me. And I agree with eliz- we only need 1-2 good friends instead of lots of them. Quality over quantity.

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  12. Sorry to hear that you have been so lonely living in Texas! Once you get older, it's just so hard to meet people and when you do, they may not be QUALITY people! Hopefully 2014 is your year! Where in Texas are you?

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Thanks for making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!! :)