I've had this post as a draft for over a year! I've had mixed emotions on posting it or not. I'm to the point where I need to post it, to get it off my chest and to just let it all out. This post is very vain, negative, and I've prepared myself to lose some followers and for all the negative responses I'll get from this. I guess I just don't care because if I can't be real on my blog, where can I be? I'm so sorry if I offend anyone, it really is not my intentions. And I hope I'm not the only one that's ever felt this way!! So here goes!
It's no secret that I've loathed living in Texas! I've been here for six very long years and I haven't even begun to enjoy it! See? Negative! I haven't lived near a single family member since Dave and I got married. It's been extremely hard for me to make friends here, which is odd for me because it's always been so easy for me to make friends but here? Nope! Sure I've made friends but none of them have been "best friends" and the ones that I get closer with either move (that happens in the Military :() or they turn out not to be who I thought they were. To say I've been extremely lonely in Texas would be an understatement! Two years ago I got so depressed that I went to counseling for it! Anyways, that's one of the reasons why I started his blog. To vent, to open up even if no one was listening and it turns out? Some people were listening! I started collecting followers which I didn't know could happen on a blog and I started making some online friends.
Things were looking up until Dave and I went through our hard time. Almost every "good" friend I had here turned their back on me and it sent me spiraling downhill fast! So once again I turned to my blog friends to cheer me up and to help me through those times. I started meeting blog friends in real life and making new friends. I wasn't so depressed any more! But it's like the second I lacked on blogging I quit hearing from all those friends. I quickly came to the realization that I was putting way more into these friendships than I was getting in return. And it made me think that people just don't like me. Am I that bad of a person? Am I unfriendable? I started questioning myself as a person. I started being really hard on myself. Was I a bad friend or did I just have a lot of fake friends? I realized that people wanted to be my friend but didn't want anyone to know about it. And guess what? I became depressed again. I'm the type of person that needs friends to be happy. I've put on a brave and happy face these past six years even though friends was the one thing I didn't have. And I still don't. I've thought about deleting Facebook, Instagram and even this blog just so I wasn't constantly reminded of how many friends I didn't have. Sounds harsh but it's reality! I don't know how many times I've tried talking to my "friends" and never got a response. The toll it's taken on me is unreal!
I know this post is childish, pathetic, and it probably sounds like I'm just feeling sorry for myself but the truth is? I am! I'm human. A female human and I'm entitled to feel bad for myself every once in a while. I'm so lonely all the time. Dave works full time and goes to school full time. I can't remember the last time we had a weekend to ourselves. Our weekends are spent doing homework. I don't remember the last time I had an adult conversation. I'm constantly singing nursery rhymes and having baby talk! Which is fine because I adore my kids but I still need to be a 26 year old girl too. I need to have time to myself and I just don't get it. Ever!
I guess all I'm needing to vent about is I'm so tired of people wanting to be in the shadows of my life. To know whats going on in my life but not actually being a part of it! I'm tired of fake friends and fake people. I'm tired of being depressed about it and I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I don't complain too often on this blog but I needed to get this out. So consider my negativity to be over! And to those who are my real friends, I love you and you have no idea how much happiness you've given me!! :)
So for 2014 I'm focusing on being friendly. To make good friends and to be a good friend. To filter all the negative influences out of my life so I'm all around a happier me. I guess that's my New Years Resolution!