Thursday, October 20, 2011

do I contradict myself?

I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
Told me you loved me
So why did you go away?

I do recall now the smell of the rain

Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms

But now I'll go sit on the floor

Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember

The swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I'm not much for dancing
But for you I did

Because I love your handshake, meeting my father

I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day when I don't miss those rude interruptions

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep

And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines

And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind

So I'll go sit on the floor

Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips

This week has been especially difficult for me to grasp. Kyson has Croup! Poor baby. But he also is almost completely potty trained and he knows the entire alphabet and sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to me....

On webcam :(

I am one proud mama but I'm dying inside being so far away from him! Dave got sick and ended up in the E.R. and a friend of ours had to watch Kyson. I should have been there to take care of my son. What am I doing? I miss him, both of them! I miss having someone there by my side, every day. I miss having someone to talk to about my day and to get hugs and kisses from. I miss being intimate and cooking dinner. I miss my job and my house. I miss my life!
So how come I can't get myself to go back to Texas?

I've been going to counseling for a few weeks now and I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with it. It's really discouraging!
But at the end of the day, I miss Dave!!


  1. Oh man! I'm so sorry to hear that. Wishing for the best to your cute family.


  2. This post breaks my heart a little. I'll pray for guidance for you! Everything will always turn out as it's supposed to. Much love, friend. <3

  3. This post made me tear up inside for you! Now matter what happens, keep praying and stay strong!
    ♥ Kyna

  4. Honestly, I'm only a blog stalker, but Man Denise! I want your happiness so bad! And I really am rooting for the problems to be solved between the two of you...But either way I want YOU to find happiness! You have my prayers and my personal cheerleading for you!

  5. This is so sweet! I don't know how you are feeling, but I am praying for you sweet girl!

  6. I'm so sorry you are struggling right now :-( keep your chin up girl you have people who love you! I know its hard being away from "life"- but things will get better- I can't tell you when... but they will.

  7. My heart is broken for you :(

    I don't know what to tell you to do but if you heart wants to go back.. go back! There is always more you can improve. :) praying for you!

  8. Wow, Denise, you are such a great writer! I am sorry with what you are struggling with right now. I wish there was something I could do. I will pray for you and I am sorry you can't be there with your cute little guy. I will pray for him too!

  9. this breaks my heart. praying for you friend!

  10. Awh :( I'm so sorry girl! I hope things get better! They always seem to....eventually at least! I go to counseling too. Feel free to email me if you need someone to chat to!

    dancewithalexis [at] aol [dot] com

  11. Awe I'm sorry hun! I hope that counseling will help and your mind will be clear so you can decide the right thing to do! Smile :)

  12. Wow, I'm so so sorry to hear this. It is very saddening to hear. I hope it all gets better and I wish you all the best. <3

  13. Denise,
    We never really knew each other well, just played a few games of Words with Friends and happened to go to the same church (different wards). I want you to know that I am thinking of and praying for you and yours regularly. It broke my heart to hear about you and Dave and I hope that you can work something out. If you ever need anything, despite the fact that we don't know each other much, you can talk to me, I will listen and provide you any support that I can.
    Suzi Hickmott


Thanks for making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!! :)